What: I’m moving!

Where: Silicon Valley, CA

When: End of January!

Why: For love and future possibilities, of course!

How: With lots of muscle power, gusto and grace!

Flying Forward

That’s the quick version, just to let you know. New year, new location, new goals, new experiences, new opportunities…It’s going to be a good 2013! I’m excited to see if a change in location helps kick-start one of my goals for the year, which is to blog regularly!  We shall soon find out.

From now on I am available to Washington residents for sessions via phone or Skype only!

I have deeply loved my woodsy surroundings and having water on three sides of me here in Port Townsend. The people here are incredibly rich in creativity, reinvention and are so nurturing. I will miss a lot of things and a lot of people. It has been a beautiful place to let my WorldWithWings take flight!

And now I soar on to new adventures in one of the most innovative and exciting parts of the country! Wish me luck!

Enter, the boot.

I injured my toe about 5 weeks ago. It’s not so much the injury that is giving me a message, but the way I have responded to it. Did you ever take your body’s abilities for granted? Did you ever have something or someone in your life you depended on but didn’t realize how much? My Big Toe is like that. Who knew he was responsible for my balance, ability to dance, spin, kneel, jump, run….?  Sure, he works with a team, but he carries a lot of the weight! (Pun intended.)

I’m dedicating this blog post today to Mr. Big Toe, Humility, and Growth. These are all three very important in my process of stepping (okay, limping) closer to my own Picture of Health.

As I said in my last blog post, I often learn more of what I need to learn while in the process of teaching or planning or offering suggestions to others. So, what have I learned while planning my Picture of Health workshop? Here’s a short list:

1. Big Toe: very important. Do not underestimate the attention he needs to heal. (I’m not sure why he’s male. He just is.)

2. Being independent is something I value highly. Asking for help is difficult…and VITAL. I’ve learned to ask for help.

3. Slowing down and paying close attention to my routine, lack of one, and need for one are imperative at this point in my life.

4. Big Toe is sending me a message: look inward, look often, and move slowly. There are many things you may miss otherwise.

What are some things you have learned from an injury or illness? What is your body telling you you need more or less of in your life?

Here are three perks of injuring my Big Toe:

1. I can watch hummingbirds feed from my perch on the couch as I rest my foot.

2. I am so motivated to walk and dance even more when I heal and am able!

3. I have plenty of opportunities to practice gratitude because I am receiving so much help on a daily basis.

Can you name some perks, too?

Here is more info about my workshop tomorrow. Big Toe will be reminding me to move slowly, and listen inward as I guide my participants on a journey toward their own Picture of Health.

If we listen, our bodies will tell us many stories about the pains and joys we’ve experienced in our lives. Join us for this two hour workshop and use expressive arts activities to explore your own stories and how your body communicates them with you. Start a visual dialogue with yourself to clarify what it means to be “the picture of health.” Feel more connected with your body and positive about your health. No art experience necessary!
$10
Art supplies included.
Space is limited.
Contact Port Townsend Chiropractic to register: (360)-379-0800

Back in December I wrote a blog post about grieving. I offered suggestions to help release some of the isolation that can occur when feeling the gravity of loss in our lives. I said, “let it out.” “Express it.”

It was something I knew I needed to do. It took me a couple of months to really hone in on how I wanted to express my grief, but I finally did it. Looking back, it seems obvious, and yet, I needed to be in the right place inside to begin this emotional project.

When my grandmother was ill and dying, I used photography and writing to manage my pain. As a result, I have a cache of images and writing that I had previously posted on a photoblog.  To honor my grandmother, and to unearth my grief, I created a photo book of these images and stories. In doing so, I learned a lot about myself and why it was that I needed to go through this process.

I shared the book with my family members, one by one. It had been a very private process to construct the book, and now I was letting those who experienced this loss also hold the book in their hands and pore over my thoughts and feelings.  What happened next really moved me. They all wanted a copy. Since sharing the book I have ordered four more copies to give to family and friends. What I thought were my very personal and unique thoughts revealed themselves to be universal and helpful to others. Each of my family members has remarked that they have a lot of grief left to be expressed. My book has provided a knock on the door. It is their option now to open it.

Creating this book has been transformational for me outwardly and deep within.

And so, taking my own medicine has proved to be just what the doctor ordered. Have you been giving advice that is really meant for you?  Take a moment and think about it. Then, stop thinking and take some action! It’s likely that it’s time to take your own medicine.

Here is an excerpt from my book:

this.

this is how my grandmother looks at me.

though she is suddenly bald, and can’t speak except to repeat what she hears, i have this to hold on to.

and the beautiful thing is, if i smile at her, i get this back.

it is worth the effort.

…

Path Through the Snow

A few weeks ago I went for a walk along nearby trails after it snowed.  It was beautiful and nearly pristine–save one bicycle track. We’d accumulated about four inches and the usually lush terrain was covered in this white, fluffy stuff. Pretty amazing.

As I walked, I had to duck under branches that were typically far above my head, but had been weighed down by all the snow. In fact, I could barely make it through the trail in some parts because of all the plant life hanging and leaning  into the path. I started shaking the snow off big branches and watching them fly upward after the weight had been lifted. It was exhilarating. I felt I was somehow freeing the trees from the burden of carrying all that snow. My walk was considerably slow since I was stopping every few feet to shake more branches!

I couldn’t help but be reminded of the winter blues. That quiet, perfectly white snow looks so peaceful, but for some it can feel like a heavy weight under which they can hardly breathe. I wondered if my joy at “freeing” the trees was a coincidence, and decided it probably wasn’t. It’s that same exhilaration I feel when I am able to witness a client bouncing back from a difficult time.

People enter into therapy for all kinds of reasons. Perhaps your path feels crowded or blocked. Maybe you feel weighed down by past experiences or fears. Finding a therapist with whom you can form a healthy therapeutic relationship can sometimes be just what you need. While you are in therapy, or searching for the right therapist, here are five ideas for what you can do RIGHT NOW to help feel less weighed down and heavy.

1. Shake it off.

I want you to actually shake it off! That means moving, dancing, stretching–whatever feels most comfortable right now. Start with some simple stretches in your living room. Start on the floor, lying flat on your back if you have the room. The important thing here is to give your body a rest–let the floor totally support you, and really acknowledge that support. A few deep breaths, then do some of your favorite stretches that you remember from gym class, yoga or simply whatever feels good to your body at the moment. Stand and do a few more stretches.

If you have mastered the stretching portion, it’s time to dance! Still in your living room (or whatever space allows for the most movement in your dwelling), put on some of your favorite music. Doesn’t matter if it is slow or fast (a combination is best). And move! No one is watching, so do whatever feels good. The moves don’t matter here; what matters is that your body is shaking off that emotional weight and you are taking action to feel better.

Piled High

2. Get outside.

Take a walk! Get outside (no matter the weather, just dress appropriately) and get your body moving. If you were able to do #1 and complete some stretches, then your body is totally ready for this walk! Swing your arms, do some mid-body twists as you walk. Force yourself to skip a little and see if it makes you feel silly or even giggle. Again, the important part is not technique, it’s just in the doing. You are ready, willing and able to make a move toward a more joyful life. That’s what you’re saying when you go for a walk (when really you feel like crawling into bed for days). Deep breaths are important during your walk as well.

3.  Get out your camera

Take your favorite camera–cell phone, old 35mm, digital point and shoot–and hit the town! The task is to take pictures of five things that you find beautiful. These could be five self-portraits! Or pictures of your faithful four-legged friend. A tree you find inspiring. Graffiti that makes you smile. Give yourself five days to do this one–so there is no pressure, and there are ample opportunities to find beauty–every day.

4. Focus on someone else.

Unless the extra emotional weight you are carrying is due to too much care-taking, this idea could really help you shift your thoughts. You might be obsessing over your unhappiness or a decision you regret, or any number of things. In this moment, the idea is to take your focus and place it on someone in your life who is deserving of some love. Write them a letter, give them a call, make a charity donation in their name. Do whatever it is you feel comfortable doing to honor them–whether they know it or not. The goal here is to connect with your inner giver–the part of you that feels the strength to give to others even when you are feeling down. The byproduct of giving is often a feeling of joy and accomplishment. You deserve to feel good. If helping someone else feel good is what does it, then go for it!

Hanging Low

5. Write about it.

Do you have a blog? A pen pal? A friend you can email or a journal? If you’re feeling blue, heavy, downtrodden sometimes it can help to write it out. If you’re writing a blog you may receive comments of support, which can be really nice bright spots in an otherwise dark time. On the flip side, a friend of mine recently told me about a deal she has with a friend: they each send each other emails about anything they need to write about, but the trick is they don’t expect a response. They know the other person will read it with love and support. When you write with no expectation of a response your writing can be freer, more honest and more expressive. Ask a friend if you can start a deal like this and see if it works for you.

I really love helping people shake off the heaviness in their lives. Just as it was joyful to watch the branches spring back once the snow was removed, it is inspiring when I witness my clients making changes, feeling more self-confident, and loving their lives with renewed vigor.

What about you? How do you shake it off?

A friend left this snowy smile outside my door. It brightened my day!

I keep your info locked up tight!

Thought I would add a note here about confidentiality. Specifically confidentiality and social media.

I’m on several social media sites, including this website. My purpose for tromping around on the internet is to learn, educate, inspire and connect. I love how much I can read and discover on the internet in a matter of a few minutes and a few clicks of the mouse. It’s also super fun to share that information quickly and easily to hundreds of people at once through twitter, facebook or my blog.

I want to be very clear that I do not and will not share client information on any of these sites. My mission to be so visible and transparent does not include YOU being visible in any way. The exception would come when or if I had a client’s permission to include their art work or generic information about their story in a post. If that happened I would have explicit permission from a client, and their information would lack identifying details.

I love the wealth and breadth of experiences I can have on the web, and the amazing possibilities for educating others about mental health and expressive arts therapy. Please rest assured–your story won’t be part of what I’m sharing. Unless, of course, that is what you want.

The morning they came to take her body and turn it to ashes, we spent as much time as we could with her–listening to music, touching her skin, holding her. I took photos and videos of her beautiful hands, of them taking her away. I felt morose taking those images, and wondered what I would ever do with them.

And now this story in this week’s (entertainment) news: Michelle Duggar, mother of “19 Kids and Counting,”*  made her miscarriage public by showing those most intimate and strange photos of her deceased baby. In the photos her hands are holding the very tiny hands and feet of their baby, Jubilee Shalom. People have had confused reactions to the images; some have been disturbed, while others have found it touching and beautiful.

In this country, grief tends to be a quiet, behind-closed-doors experience that is awkward to discuss, and too dark to be honest about. We have wakes or funerals or both, and then we are alone. Grief from a miscarriage can be even more isolating.  Mothers often feel shame or blame when it happens, and no one knows how to speak about it. How heavy, to carry around the death that happened inside you, and to feel responsible and alone with it. I grieve for mothers who have experienced the enormity of this loss. We lack rituals to help heal this loss. Our most common tactic is to not mention it.

To grieve openly is uncomfortable for those watching, which is why I think people have been discussing the photos of Jubilee’s unbelievably small, lifeless hands. Though the images may have been promoted by a PR person hoping for more attention on their reality show, they are startlingly beautiful nonetheless.

What is really beautiful is the idea that grief doesn’t have to be quiet or invisible. We can speak it out loud, capture images of the person we are losing, keep them, show them, share them…The loss is fact. Everything else is movement through it and possible beauty within it.

Create something with your grief. Don’t let it lie still and heavy underneath the covers of your bed. Bring it out into the light; let it have shadows and be seen by others. We have all experienced it. We can relate with our own inner griefs — of all shapes, sizes and magnitudes. Write a story, create a ritual, move through a dance, light a candle and watch the wax drip it into nothingness. Don’t be afraid to share your grief aloud.

In the “Acceptance” part of Kubler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief, we are invited to not pretend it is all okay. Instead, we are able to “live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where our loved one is missing.” I have learned to do that after my grandmother’s death. But, of course, I still miss her badly. Some days more than others. I have many ” more good days than bad,” as Kubler-Ross and David Kessler describe. Part of me wonders how it could have been and wishes I had had more rituals to help me through that loss. Public or private, I suppose I created my own. I took LOTS of photos. I posted them in an online community where I experienced huge amounts of support and love. However, I imagine how comforting it may have been to have established grief rituals available to me that were accepted and supported parts of our cultural processing of loss. Is it too late?

Perhaps I will do something I’ve wanted to do for years — make a photo book of my grandmother. Maybe in this revision I will include the photos I took after she passed. And if it makes us all weep to see those at the conclusion of the album, then it has done its job. It has helped us grieve in loud sobs and in hugs together. We can spend a moment with her in those images, remembering again why she was so great to us. We can create a new ritual of looking at the pictures. Of being honest about our grief, our loss.

Because what is the human experience worth if we keep it to ourselves? Share with each other. Share joys, share losses, share your deepest worries and hopes. If you’re not sure how to do it, create a new ritual and try it out. What a shame if in all that grief we experience the biggest loss:  connection. (To ourselves and each other.)

And in this season, one of the hardest times of the year, I invite you to tell stories. To readily voice how much you wish that loved one was sitting at the table next to you, or still kicking in your womb, or how you wish your doggie was still licking up crumbs under the table waiting for his next walk at the dog park. I invite you to mention their name, ask for memories, and share your own. And break out the photo album. Tears are okay. Laughter is good too. The combination is where we all meet and join in. That’s grief. Great joy and deep sadness aligned. Let it into the light.

One of my grandmother’s orchids, wilting while she was ill.

*I should say that I have never seen the show starring the Duggar Family, and have made no statements in this post about my own opinions about them, their religion, their show, their motives…I am merely using their example as a vehicle to talk about grief. I hope what they did to honor their baby is something others realize they can also do to work through their losses.

I came up with the phrase WorldWithWings a few months ago when I was working as a School-Based Therapist in an elementary school. I liked the idea that I was helping provide an environment that could be light and colorful. Especially for kids for whom childhood has been rather dark. I hoped my daily interactions with the children would help them push their dreams high into the air where they could take flight. Ultimately, I’d like to think that we could all experience that feeling–at any age. That we could have someone to help us do the heavy lifting of nudging our dreams into the realm of reality.

So, I ask all my clients to imagine a world with wings, where your dreams can fly.  And then we start the work of constructing the wings, feather by feather.

heartwithwings

Now, about this website….I’m still tweaking things and probably will be for the remainder of its virtual life. But I do hope to get things a little more solidified sooner than later. And forgive me for the sloppiness around here as I work on it.

Stepping back….Taking a breath….

Or, use pencil and ink. Charcoal. Embrace the darkness of the season. For beauty is not only in the bright, light of color–it is in the shades of gray, too.

The group I am doing (along with their Programs Intern Brittney) is not a therapy group, but has a therapeutic flavor to it. It has me reflecting on why I find group work to be incredibly fulfilling, interesting and inspiring. I love groups. I love group dynamics, brainstorming in groups, working stuff out…Heck, I even love meetings! I love the power a group can have.

When people open up and become less inhibited within a consistent and safe group, a lot can happen. Each person in a group (though they may not realize it) is a part of a whole. And as a part of a whole, they represent much more than just themselves. They represent each person in that group. Here’s how it works. You know how sometimes you’re at a seminar or in a class and someone raises their hand and asks a question, and you think, ” Hey, I would love to know the answer to that question too!” ? Well, the same thing happens when one person opens up and expresses their experience and feelings in a group. The other group members usually can relate to it on varying levels, or know someone who can, and it is relevant for everyone. So that one person does your work for you! No, not really, but it can be pretty validating, and help us feel less alone.

I am particularly fascinated by the stages a group can go through. I have always been partial to Brian Tuckman’s stages of development. Maybe just because they rhyme. But they also make a lot of sense. We begin with Forming, then Storming, Norming and finally, Performing. These stages happen in a group that meets and is consistent — meaning the same members (mostly) and the same facilitator each time.

Here is the gist.

Forming–People tend to be a little cautious when a group first meets. Most are not open books at this stage. Some people may test other group members’ boundaries.

Storming–This is the phase where people are more likely to introduce conflict with each other, question the group’s process. People are simultaneously more guarded and reveal more about themselves. Perhaps some defensiveness enters into this stage.

Norming–The group has made it through the storm! Group members unite more; people agree on ideas and listen to each other more fully.

Performing–The group works together easily. Roles are solidified and the struggle is over. The group accomplishes its goals!

Stages of Group Development (not my graphic)

Simple, right? Well, of course it is much more complex than this. Something important to remember is that these stages can flip around in order at any time. For example, if the leader of the group changes suddenly, the group goes all the way back to the Forming stage, no matter where they were on the developmental path. This happens when members of the group change as well–if two people are gone, or if three people are new to the group, etc. The dynamics change when personalities and issues enter or leave the group.

There is a fifth stage to add here–Mourning. (Tuckman and his colleague Mary Ann Jensen added this and called it Adjourning or Mourning after doing some additional research.) The Mourning stage is what happens as the group ends. People loosen their attachments to the other group members, begin to let go of the consistency and structure the group has (possibly, hopefully) provided them, and move on. Often there is some sadness during this stage, for there is a loss. If meaningful work and change has happened during this group, the loss here may be great, but the amount gained can outweigh it.

If you want to check out examples of this in your life to see the validity of the stages, step back and observe your coworkers as a team, or even your family. What happens when someone new is hired? How does everyone adjust when a family member brings a new partner to a family dinner? How do you and your coworkers treat each other at meetings? Are you used to each other? Do you bicker or support like family? There are examples everywhere of these stages.

As a facilitator, it is good to be aware of Tuckman’s stages. Knowing what to expect from a group depends heavily on their skill level, age, etc., but also on how long they have been meeting as a group and in what circumstances and with how many changes.  We do ice-breaker games at the start of a group because we’re in the Norming phase! People are shy, don’t know each other yet, and aren’t sure how much or how little to share.

Speaking of ice-breakers — I’ve got to start planning my next group!  Oh, how I love a good group….